WHY??

I am angry today. Very angry. And frustrated, sad, disheartened and cynical. I am also finding it extremely difficult to justify and explain this plethora of emotions. There are two instances, seemingly unrelated that have led me to feel this way……………on second thoughts, NO!!! Its what I have seen over the last few years that is making me feel this way or what the hell, I am feeling this way just because of the way I am or whatever!! The point is, i am feeling miserable. There are too many questions I wish to ask, but there is no one to answer them. I dont even know if ANYONE can answer them……never mind if I am blabbering and talking nonsense- I think this is the ideal space to do it.

I met a very dear friend after a long time today. We have been through a terrible boss, pathetic work and insane working hours together. She really means a lot to me, and if I had to do anything for her happiness I would gladly do so. While we were catching up with each others’ lives, I got to know that yet another person who had committed to her went back on his word, in order to “appease” his family. I was terribly upset, and also shocked at the number of women who had such tales to tell. In the last two years, I have seen a number of my friends (mostly female) go through a similar situation in their lives. I dont know what it is with men; I know I am sounding like a sexist- whats better, I WANT TO SOUND LIKE A SEXIST!!!! Why in the name of heaven can they NOT figure out what they wish to do with their lives! And why does it have to hurt a woman when they finally figure what it is that they wish to do? It is gross injustice to commit to a person and then cheat on him/her (mostly it is her) in any which way. Why cant men figure out what matters more to them- their girlfriends or their families? It doesnt necessarily have to be a choice, but in cases where it leads to a crossroad like this, why do they take so long to decide? Most children with average intelligence would generally know how their parents would react under different situations (How else would they manage to lie to their parents and watch blue films?), and hopefully make their decisions accordingly. If men know that their families are going to object to a girl of their own choice, and that they are eventually going to do what their families want, why do they not make these conditions clear from the beginning? A confidante with whom I discussed this issue suggested that maybe it is the short-sightedness of the girl who trusts the person! Please gimme a break!!!! I mean, how can you not trust someone who has repeatedly professed his love for you and seems more than a hundred percent sure that he will walk the aisle with no one other than you! And seriously, if i were to live in a world like this, I would rather not live! It is not just my female friends, but also my male friends, who are making me feel so hopeless. I have had a number of male friends since my childhood days. These are friends whom I have respected, adored and placed my faith in, as being good human beings. Over the last few years, I have seen some of them doing the same thing to their respective girlfriends! They know that their families will object and they are unsure about what they would do in those circumstances, but their girlfriends have no idea about this. They have been made to feel that everything is hunky-dory and maybe, the wedding bells are just around the corner! I seriously am not able to integrate my image of them as excellent friends and completely irresponsible boyfriends.

The other instance which is adding to my discomfort is an accident that happened during my sister’s field visit to her community. A poor mason’s nephew met with a bad accident and had to be admitted to the General Hospital of the city. The mason is a daily wage labourer and earns a sum of Rupees 100 per day. On days when he is not picked up by a contractor, he gets no wages. His wife is mentally ill and he has no money for her treatment either. After the accident, the X-ray cost about a 100 rupees and another 200 rupees went for medicines. (These were borne by my sister and her field work partner). He was also informed that in order to stitch and suture the wounds, he would have to procure three reels of a special thread, one reel of which would cost him a hundred rupees. All said and done, in a matter of a few hours, he was expected to spend his wages of seven days, excluding other expenses on food. From what my sister told me, people in the community were trying to help him out, for which he was extremely grateful, but also pinched, as he was having to borrow money which under normal circumstances he would not have and also because it hurt his self respect and fanned his feelings of being poor and helpless. I am sure that the community will come forth and help and I have also decided to help in every way I can, but my entire being is screaming and asking “IS THIS FAIR”?? Whats worse is the realization that there are millions out there who suffer the same or a worse fate. Numbers cannot undermine tragedies. Just because it happens to a lot of people does NOT mean it is not a tragedy. I sometimes cannot believe I live in a world like this! There are poor people who are self respecting and would rather die than take money from someone, while there are our industrialists who do not care two pence for the money of their shareholders! Why is it that the poor are always punished for their crimes and the rich are absolved? Why is it that we live in such an unjust society? Why is it that people are not affected when they see someone else’s plight? Why is it that we cannot provide basic medical treatment to the poor after almost 60 years of independence? Why have we become so selfish that we cannot look beyond our own profit and gains? Unfortunately, there are too many “whys” and no answers. I can look for answers in the various theories that I have studied, raging from Marxism to Feminism, but the point is I do not even wish to know why; I just want to wish it away!!

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